Good Sample of Students' Introductory Paragraph to Exposition Writing

First draft:

More than 100 million animals every year suffer and die from cruel chemical, drug, food, cosmetic tests, and biology lessons.

Last draft:

More than 100 million animals every year suffer and die from cruel chemical, drug, food, cosmetic tests, and biology lessons. Then there are some irresponsible people who buy animals as pets because they find them cute, but they cannot take care of them or lose interest in taking good care of them in the long run, resulting in mistreating these home animals and causing them to suffer, or the owner will leave them in the streets, resulting in more abandoned strays. In Singapore, animal abuse had become more and more frequent, as shown in a report that says that from the year 2010, to the year 2011, there was a 15% increase in the number of cases of animal abuse and neglect. Now, what is neglect? Neglect is a form of passive animal abuse, such as inadequate living environment caused by the owners, neglecting of attention from the owners, refusing to bring the pet to the vet when its ill, leaving your pet in the car, are just some examples of neglect.